AVA'S FINDING PLACE AND MUCH MORE

There is nothing...absolutely nothing in the world that can prepare you enough for your child rejecting you. I went into this adoption fully aware that it would not be as easy as Halainah's was. I knew there was a strong possibility that Ava would attach to one of us and reject the other. But when it happens to you and you are so far away from home...it's hard...down right hard. Last night I broke down...emotionally I was spent. Do you know how it feels to have your daughter not be able to look you in the eye? Or back in a corner when you get close to her? Or cling to your spouse in total fear of you? Well I do and it broke me in ways I never knew I could break. But I cried it out and my best friend...the one who knows me better than myself helped me ground myself again. And so I prayed for strength to help me get through one day at a time. And let HIM carry me!

And today was a MUCH better day. Ava opened herself up to me today in a huge way. And we finally saw our sweet sweet girl smile. She is so fragile. When I look into her huge dark almond eyes I see the pain that she endured in her short life. Living in an orphanage for her first year and being tossed into two different foster families and than into our lives...my sweet girl needs time to heal and adjust. She is so confused and is still grieving. She completely shuts down at times pulling at her hair and grunting. But today there were fewer moments of grief and more moments of her breaking out of her shell and letting me in.

And today she laughed and played with me. She now looks me in the eyes. She let me take her to the potty 4 times and I was able to change her clothes. She gave me kisses and let me touch her skin...stroke her face and kiss her sweet lips. She still makes sure that Tony is in her sight and he is the one she wants when we are out walking. But today...today was a huge step for my sweet Ava. And even if she wakes up wanting nothing to do with me again....I will work all day to gain her trust again.

This morning we took a ride to find the place where Ava was found. We have the information from the orphanage and set out on our adventure. At first we were unable to find it so our guide asked some locals if they knew of the location. Well before we knew it there was a crowd around us. And as it turns out, one woman told our guide that her sister was the one that found Ava almost 2 years ago. So she called her sister and about 5 minutes later she came walking up to us. She took us to the exact spot where she found Ava. I cannot even describe the feeling of standing in that spot. The tears came pouring down. I don't want to go into great detail as I feel it is very personal for my daughter and it wouldn't be fair to her to share something so personal. But what I will say is that conditions were poor...it was very cold...and her birth mom loved her so very much. We were able to ask this woman who found her all sorts of questions...like what was she wearing and what was with her and what happened to her next. I also asked her if she has ever found another baby. The answer was No...just our daugher...just Ava. And she was so honored to see our sweet Ava today...so beautiful...so alive...so loved. Part of me wanted to stay in that exact spot...I wanted to soak in the sounds...the smell...I wanted to permanently etch that picture in my mind. We thanked this woman so much for giving us such a wonderful gift...part of our daughter's past...a part I am sure she will long for desperatly when she grows up. We hugged eachother and parted ways. I shed a few more tears while walking away...seeing my daughter walking hand in hand with her daddy...walking away from the spot she was found...the spot that brought her into our family. Our fragile little girl...her eyes so sad...her heart so vulnerable. I am so proud of her today...letting me break down the wall so much today...only days after her world as she knew it was torn apart.

I think we will all be ok. I think sweet Ava will open her heart fully and once she does she will be a strong little happy girl...leaving behing her fragile self. Thank you so much for all of your comments offering support and advice and most of all your prayers. They meant the world to me and helped me face another day of breaking down the wall.

Please note that the pictures I am sharing does not contain the exact spot Ava was found...only surrounding areas...the pictures we did take of her finding spot will be saved for her.

Oh and did I mention how tiny she is? All the 24 month clothes I brought...way too big...so don't mind them hanging off of her in the pictures!!

NOT MUCH

Not much to report today...lets just put it this way...I am struggling. I will update tomorrow!

GOTCHA DAY - WE HAVE AVA

We Have Ava!! I know that you all would rather look at Ava's pictures than to listen to me babble so here you go:

About 20 minutes after we arrived at the Cival Affairs office our children arrived. Ava looked so tiny compared to what I pictured her as. She is tiny...all of the 24 month clothes I brought are too big. I would say she is more of an 18 month old in clothes size. And the size 5 shoes are just right. She is beautiful...absolutely beautiful. Her lips are stunning and her eyes...big and gorgeous. Her teacher brought her into the room and she looked confused. She is very frightened....very very frightened and is having a hard time. She has rejected me completely. But has attached herself to Tony...which is good. I am ok with it. Her whole world has been turned upside down and whatever comforts her right now is exactly what she will get. She's potty trained...which completely surprised us. She had an accident at the civil affairs office because she was so frightened. But has shown us that she had to go potty once back in our hotel room. She has gone on the potty about 4 times for us. She's grieving and grieving hard. Once we took her back to the hotel room she refused to take off her shoes so we let her keep everything on. I planned to let her sleep in everything she came to us in if need be. But she had another accident and she needed to be changed and a bath was in order. She cried of course...Halainah hated the bath too. Once we bathed her she fell asleep in Tony's arms and took a good hour nap. We are planning on taking her to the playroom here at the hotel to try and keep her mind off of things and than it's another trip to the walmart. It is actually a little chilly here. I did not bring appropriate clothing for her province. I need to pick up warmer clothes and socks and extremely little panties for her very small tushy. Still can't believe she is potty trained. She may revert...so we shall see...I have diapers too. Hopefully tomorrow she will let me in a little bit. If not...she will eventually. It just breaks my heart that I can't console her. We love her so so so much!! And Ava Maria fits her perfectly.

ON OUR WAY TO THE CIVAL AFFAIRS OFFICE

In about 45 minutes we will be making our way down to the breakfast buffett at the Shangri-La Hotel here in Changchun. I am not sure if I will be able to eat as my stomach is doing flip flops. At 8:15 we will meet our guide in the Lobby and will start heading to the Cival Affairs Office. Our children will arrive at 9:00. My emotions are running high....I'm excited, nervous, anxious, happy and sad. And a bazillion more but I think I am at a loss for words now too. I'm sad that Ava is leaving everything that she has known in her 2 years of life and sad for her foster mom that kissed her goodbye one last time this morning. But I trust in the one in charge and I know that he personally brought Ava to us. So I know in given time Ava will adore her mommy and daddy just like Halainah does. The gifts for the orphanage are packed and Ava's bag is packed as well. So now we must follow God's plan and bring our next daughter into our family. I can't wait!!

CHANGCHUN, CHINA, JILIN PROVINCE

Today was mostly a day of travel so I don't have too much to report on. We said our sad goodbyes to Beijing and left with a complete feeling of fullness. We saw a beautiful side of her that we did not get to see before. Our plane ride to Changchun, China, Jilin Province was a little tough for me for some reason. I had a lot of anxiety and struggled through the flight. Thank God the flight was only 1 1/2 hours.

Once we arrived we met our lovely Guide Lillian and she took us to our hotel. First I need to say that we flew north of Beijing. The weather is so so beautiful. It's still warm at about 82 degrees but no humidity. Today was the first day that we didn't sweat. And tonight was actually cold...like sweatshirt cold.

There is a walmart directly across from our hotel so that could be a bad thing for Tony and I since we love to shop. But we were able to get supplies and snacks. We also ate dinner at a homemade noodle house. It was so delicous....nothing like what you could get from home. And dinner for 6 came to $20. Crazy!!!

We received some information today about Ava. We were told she is very very shy. And that she is afraid of strangers. The little boy that is being adopted with Ava tomorrow is Ava's friend. The both of them attend school together monday through friday. I thought that was neat and hopefully they can keep eachother company.

Well that is it for now. I am so tired and it's going to be a long day. We leave for the Civil affairs office at 8:15. I cannot believe that we are hours away from meeting our new daughter. Please pray that she isn't too frightened and that she bondswith us well. I have to say I am nervous.

There are no pictures to post today as it was mostly a travel day. But tomorrow you get to see Ava so I will make up for it!!

Ava....we are coming for you baby girl!!

Tian An Men Square, The Forbidden City and The Silk Factory

Our day started out with our Orientation meeting. Since this is our second time around we already knew everything our guide Les was saying. Nothing about the process has changed much. The best part came at the end of the meeting when we all were able to see pictures of our daughters and sons. We were shocked to have received new information about Ava. And we received 5 new pictures of her. She is so beautiful and so big. And she was laughing in one of the pictures which was a pleasure to see. We received some information about her schedule. And were also told that she is very attached to her foster mother. I am sure there is going to be a lot of grieving for our little girl. It was so wonderful to talk amongst the other families...compare pictures and measurements. We also found out that 1 other family will be travelling to Jilin province with us. So we are not going to be alone after all. In fact the family that we are travelling with are adopting a little boy who is the same age as Ava...I think Ava is 6 days older. We both feel like it's a blessing that we are together as our children can play together. And perhaps they will feel a sense of security as they will be familiar with eachother.

Afterwards, we had another full day of touring. I will never complain about it being hot back at home again. It was hotter than hot today and it litterally wipes your energy right out of your body. We drink a lot of water to keep hydrated. What amazes me is that you can put a gallon of water into your body and nothing comes out...if you know what I mean.

When we fly to Jilin the temperatures are supposed to be aroun 78. I sure hope this is true as we already need a break from the heat and the brutal sun.

The Forbidden City was magnificent and awe-inspiring. When we toured Tiananmen Square and The Forbidden City during Halainah's adoption we admired it from a distance. We did not walk around the city. Today we walked around 40 percent of it. It is huge at just about 720,000 square-meters which is the largest palatial complex in the world.

Our group consisted of about 7 families and we were all dragging towards the end of the tour. The sun and heat got the best of us and we couldn't wait to get onto the air conditioned bus.

Afterwards we went to a silk factory. We learned about a silk worms life cycle. And also how silk is made. It really was interesting. And it made me have a new outlook on silk. It takes so much time and energy to make silk. I wanted to purchase the whole store once we entered the childrens section. But the prices were expensive and I couldn't see purchasing 100 % traditional silk dresses for the girls when they wouldn't wear them that often. I will be waiting to go to Guangzhou to purchase the girls dresses there. But it was neat to walk around and brouse.

Our night ended with a beautiful stroll down walking street. It's a street that is blocked to cars which is nice...because remember...the cars do not stop. It is so bright with the neon lights illuninating the sky. It's much like New York city but it's very clean, the citizens are nice and you feel safe. Even though it is so hot during the day...at night a cool breeze sets in. We had another traditional Chinese dinner and sat in a restaurant that was outside but you sat in a little quaint hut. It was beautiful and delicious. One of the families that we have grown close to invited us out to dinner with them for pizza. They went to the Italian restaurant yesterday and loved it so they were returning. But Tony and I would rather indulge in Chinese food as it is nothing like the "fake" Chinese food we get at home. Why would we want pizza in China? Anyway, Jen and Nate are flying to a different province tomorrow and they will meet their beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter tomorrow. We meet Ava on Monday. They live in PA which is nice so I am sure we will get together once in a while. But the best part is that we are going to be on the same plane ride home. So our girls will be able to play with eachother.

Well...I am off to bed. I am so so tired. We are meeting our guide in the Lobby tomorrow morning at 8:30. We will be saying a sad farewell to Beijing and will be flying to Jilin Province...where our daughter is from. I cannot believe that we are so close. I am sad to say goodbye to Beijing but am very happy to be going onto the next leg of our journey.

Halainah Grace...Mommy and Daddy miss you so much baby girl! These past few days have been so hard and our heart's ache for you. We talk about you all day and night. I am so happy that when we talked to you today you were laughing and laughing. That silly Daddy...he's so funny!! We love you so much and miss you so much! Grandma will give you a big hug and kiss from us!! Thank you for being such a good girl from Grandma...I'm so happy she is your best friend!!!

GREAT WALL, JADE MARKET AND HUTONGTOUR

Totally amazing...that is how I would describe our day today. We saw another side of Beijing today that we missed out on with Halainah's adoption. We toured the Great Wall. It was amazing and absolutely breathtaking to stand on such a beautiful piece of history. It was built over 2000 years ago. When looking into the horizon, you can see the Great Wall zig zagging it's way through the mountains. It truly was spectacular. We only climbed a small portion of it. It was so steep in parts and I came to realize just how out of shape I actually am. I feel completely fulfilled that I was actually standing on the Wall today as it was something I longed to do way before we adopted Halainah.

Tony and I purchased two bronze locks in the shape of a double heart. We engraved one with Halainah's name on it and one with Ava's name on it. We carefully searched for the perfect spot to permanently place the girl's locks on the Great Wall. We chose a spot right under a large tree in hopes that one day when we return with the girls, we will be able to find their locks. I love the fact that our girls are now a part of the wall...their names delicately engraved on a special heart lock will permanently stay and are now a part of history. I think it will make an amazing story one day for the girls to share at show and tell in school. It was a little piece of their heritage that we have forever linked them too.

We also purchased tiny glass bottles that a local woman hand painted the girls names on the inside. She painted their names in English and Chinese. The bottles are so tiny and we were amazed as we watched her steady hand quickly paint their names inside the tiny bottle with such ease.

After our tour and sweating buckets and buckets of sweat...we went for a tour at a Jade Market. We toured the Jade Market and were able to see women carving and polishing Jade statues. We were also given a lesson on how to tell if Jade is real...by the sound it makes and how Jade is industructible. You can throw Jade on the floor and it will never break. If you scratch it against glass...the glass will scratch but the Jade will not. I asked about my Jade bracelet that I have never taken off since we adopted Halainah to see if it was real. It was but the quality was about an 8 instead of a 10. I did not purchase anything at the Jade Market...all the Jade there was the highest quality and the prices are too expensive. I am on a mission to find a Jade circle pendant...the circle of life. Hopefully I will find one before we leave China. We also had a delicious lunch which was located on the second floor of the Jade Market. Authentic Chinese food which is nothing like the Chinese food we have back home. All I can say is fried bananas with sugar...YUMMY!!
After lunch we took a rickshaw ride through the Hutong lanes of China. Again...simply amazing. A rickshaw is a two wheeled cart that is pulled by a man on a bicycle. We weaved in and out of the allys which were so narrow that you could barely fit another bicycle next to you. The Hutong Lanes is a beautiful community where everyone is family. This was real China, where the locals were so happy just to have a roof over their head. They do not have bathrooms, they use public bathrooms to shower and you know...do their business. We were informed to take notice of different entry ways into the homes. As there is a story behind each one. The more beams and the higher the threshold the higher up their families are on the social rank.
We were invited into the home of a family who is well known in the Hutongs. We had to step over the threshold with our right foot as a sign of respect. The man of the house told us that he is the 5th generation to own their home. He took great pride in his home and proudly showed us his life in the Hutongs. He is a Kung Fu instructor. His son lives in Huston Texas and is a famous Kung Fu intructor there. He has been shown on ABC. His father is so very proud of his son and misses him immensly. I saw tears in his eyes as he was bragging about his son. His home is considered a mansion in the Hutongs. To us...we were unsure how a family could live there. The kitchen could only hold one person. The living room had a TV but no couch and the dining room was the size of a typical american bathroom. They are considered extremely lucky as they do have a toilet in their home. The size of the home did not matter. What mattered was the history and the love of his family. Outside his home was a courtyard where numerous citizens were enjoying the beautiful sunny day playing cards and exercising. You could hear the echoes of laughter and sense the true love of life. We are so spoiled in the US. I think we could all learn a thing or two from China.
We walked away today, truly feeling like we gained so much from our tour today. Everything that we missed out on 3 years ago, we gained today and then some. China is amazing...it's beautiful...it's crazy...it's so full of history that you can't help but stop and breathe and soak in the magic. Our girls will be very proud of their heritage.
Tomorrow we have orientation bright and early. We were told that we will have updates on our children...but I have a feeling that we already received this update. We have 5 families in our group however we are all going to different provinces. So we will truly be by ourselves in Ava's province.
It's time for bed...we are having a hard time with Jet lag. We woke at 5:30 this morning and have been up ever since. Hopefully we will get some more sleep tonight. We are getting closer to Gotcha day and have butterflies in our stomaches. My arms are aching for my daughter....for both of our daughters. We miss Halainah so very much!!