There is nothing...absolutely nothing in the world that can prepare you enough for your child rejecting you. I went into this adoption fully aware that it would not be as easy as Halainah's was. I knew there was a strong possibility that Ava would attach to one of us and reject the other. But when it happens to you and you are so far away from home...it's hard...down right hard. Last night I broke down...emotionally I was spent. Do you know how it feels to have your daughter not be able to look you in the eye? Or back in a corner when you get close to her? Or cling to your spouse in total fear of you? Well I do and it broke me in ways I never knew I could break. But I cried it out and my best friend...the one who knows me better than myself helped me ground myself again. And so I prayed for strength to help me get through one day at a time. And let HIM carry me!
And today was a MUCH better day. Ava opened herself up to me today in a huge way. And we finally saw our sweet sweet girl smile. She is so fragile. When I look into her huge dark almond eyes I see the pain that she endured in her short life. Living in an orphanage for her first year and being tossed into two different foster families and than into our lives...my sweet girl needs time to heal and adjust. She is so confused and is still grieving. She completely shuts down at times pulling at her hair and grunting. But today there were fewer moments of grief and more moments of her breaking out of her shell and letting me in.
And today she laughed and played with me. She now looks me in the eyes. She let me take her to the potty 4 times and I was able to change her clothes. She gave me kisses and let me touch her skin...stroke her face and kiss her sweet lips. She still makes sure that Tony is in her sight and he is the one she wants when we are out walking. But today...today was a huge step for my sweet Ava. And even if she wakes up wanting nothing to do with me again....I will work all day to gain her trust again.
This morning we took a ride to find the place where Ava was found. We have the information from the orphanage and set out on our adventure. At first we were unable to find it so our guide asked some locals if they knew of the location. Well before we knew it there was a crowd around us. And as it turns out, one woman told our guide that her sister was the one that found Ava almost 2 years ago. So she called her sister and about 5 minutes later she came walking up to us. She took us to the exact spot where she found Ava. I cannot even describe the feeling of standing in that spot. The tears came pouring down. I don't want to go into great detail as I feel it is very personal for my daughter and it wouldn't be fair to her to share something so personal. But what I will say is that conditions were poor...it was very cold...and her birth mom loved her so very much. We were able to ask this woman who found her all sorts of questions...like what was she wearing and what was with her and what happened to her next. I also asked her if she has ever found another baby. The answer was No...just our daugher...just Ava. And she was so honored to see our sweet Ava today...so beautiful...so alive...so loved. Part of me wanted to stay in that exact spot...I wanted to soak in the sounds...the smell...I wanted to permanently etch that picture in my mind. We thanked this woman so much for giving us such a wonderful gift...part of our daughter's past...a part I am sure she will long for desperatly when she grows up. We hugged eachother and parted ways. I shed a few more tears while walking away...seeing my daughter walking hand in hand with her daddy...walking away from the spot she was found...the spot that brought her into our family. Our fragile little girl...her eyes so sad...her heart so vulnerable. I am so proud of her today...letting me break down the wall so much today...only days after her world as she knew it was torn apart.
I think we will all be ok. I think sweet Ava will open her heart fully and once she does she will be a strong little happy girl...leaving behing her fragile self. Thank you so much for all of your comments offering support and advice and most of all your prayers. They meant the world to me and helped me face another day of breaking down the wall.
Please note that the pictures I am sharing does not contain the exact spot Ava was found...only surrounding areas...the pictures we did take of her finding spot will be saved for her.
Oh and did I mention how tiny she is? All the 24 month clothes I brought...way too big...so don't mind them hanging off of her in the pictures!!
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